Q: If the only biblical grounds for divorce are sexual sin and abandonment by an unbelieving spouse, what about cases of abuse?
The first part of my answer was on yesterday’s blog. Read it first if you haven’t. Here is part two:
There are two kinds of separation: separation, and legal separation. For safety, and other practical considerations, simple separation may need to take place immediately (even before any church discipline begins). Hopefully, the abused has sought pastoral counseling before this step is taken, but for sure if and when this step does take place. If the counseling and separation does not yield actual and verifiable results in the marriage, legal separation may be the next step. Taking this next step does two things. First, legal separation tells the abusive spouse that this is serious and the abused spouse (and the church) mean business. Second, legal separation protects the abused spouse from potential legal/financial problems that the abuser may cause the family. Though a person can file for legal separation (and a restraining order if needed) on their own, in many cases an attorney may be most helpful.
Legal separation is similar to divorce, except that it does not legally dissolve the marriage. It does not make either party "single," nor is either party free to be involved in other romantic relationships, much less to remarry. Why separation, whether simple or legal? It protects the abused party. It puts the abusive party on notice that a change in life style must take place. And it gives the Holy Spirit time to bring the abusive party to repentance instead of essentially closing that door with a divorce. If and when repentance takes place, the marriage can be restored, and that is the best and most desirable outcome.
What if there is no repentance? First, patience is required—just as the Lord is patient with His erring bride! Second, when there is no repentance, any one of several scenarios may play out.
The unrepentant party, who under church discipline is to be treated as a non-believer, will initiate a divorce. In this case the "believing spouse," would be free, even to remarry (1 Corinthians 7).
The unrepentant party will go on with life exhibiting that he or she has no intentions of reconciling. In this case, it is possible that enough time may pass that the believing spouse may be justified in filing for divorce simply to end an otherwise endless stalemate. In my judgment, this may be justified—but it must not be rushed. I would add that the believing spouse must be on double guard not to get into any relationships that could cause him or her to rush for the sake of being able to remarry, because he or she is still married!
The believing spouse may choose to honor his or her marriage vows and resign to living as a separated married person for the rest of his or her life (or at least for the foreseeable future).
As hopefully can be seen, these are complicated matters. Here are a few bottom lines:
God loves marriage and so must we—including doing all we can to avoid divorce, which God hates (Malachi:2:16).
God’s ideal is repentance and reconciliation—even if it takes time.
We must not adopt, and/or rush to, simplistic answers to such complex issues.
Pastoral counseling (which may include church discipline) should be sought early.
God is right about everything, including what He says about marriage, divorce, and remarriage.