Shepherding Daughters: Marriage
What We Desired for Our Daughters
ERROL HALE
I know I am biased, but I don’t see how any love or marriage can rival what the Lord has given my wife, Frances, and me. Our love and commitment is so deep that we know of few couples who have what we have. We look at others and wonder if some even know that what we have exists.
We have three daughters. When they were young, we were concerned about their education, their health, their friendships, and many other issues that presented themselves along the path of growing up. As important as those issues were while the girls were younger, their importance paled when compared to the issues of relationships with young men, and of marriage. We want our girls to have the kind of marriages that we have enjoyed for these many years. We realized that statistically, at least one of our daughters would have a troubled marriage and maybe even drink from the bitter cup of divorce.[1] Because we know how wonderful and fulfilling marriage can be, we wanted the same for our daughters.
The way men and women get together for marriage in our day and in our culture does not seem to be in line with biblical principles, at least as we understand them. Rather than being surprised by being introduced to one of our daughter’s fiancés, we wanted to know the young men who were interested in them, and they in the young men, before talk of marriage began.
The Reasoning Behind Our Convictions
Deuteronomy 22 establishes parental responsibility to protect a daughter’s virginity. We understand this principle as going beyond mere physical virginity. We believe that hearts that are knit together without a commitment to marriage are damaged when a break-up occurs. We believe that the result of a series of break-ups is hard-heartedness. This hard-heartedness makes future break-ups easier—including the potential break-up of a marriage. This is why we believe that dating, as our culture practices it, may do more to prepare a person for divorce than for marriage.
The Bible does not speak of dating or engagement as our culture currently practices these things. The Bible speaks of betrothal. While there are differences between betrothal as practiced in Jesus’ day and dating and engagement nowadays, the words are not as important as the principles we believe guided the process. The following are five principles we are set forth throughout scripture that we might be wise to follow. [2]
First, parents have the responsibility to train their children in the ways of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4)
Second, parents have a responsibility to protect their daughters’ virginity (including in an emotional sense). (Deuteronomy 22:13-21)
Third, parents should be involved in their children’s choices of marriage partners. (John 6:44; In John 17 and 18 Jesus makes several references to the ones the Father “gave Him” to be His bride.) [3]
Fourth, the relationship between a man and woman should be supervised, and in some ways minimal, until after a commitment to marriage is made, thus limiting the possibility either of sin, or of either person sustaining a broken heart. (1 Thessalonians 4:6, Romans 13:14)
Fifth, from the time a commitment to marriage is made, breaking that commitment should be viewed as seriously as divorce. (The hope is that this mindset would cause all involved not to rush into that commitment prematurely.)
Suggestions to consider
Based on these principles we might suggest the following guidelines. These are not a “checklist” or a “set of rules.” This is important to understand since neither people nor situations are the same. These suggestions may be applied very differently depending on the young lady’s age and station in life. However, the principles are still important for all involved to bear in mind. Therefore, these suggestions are not presented the right or only way. Instead, each person and family must proceed prayerfully based on their convictions before God’s Word.
The Encounter. Chances are, the two will meet each other before her parents meet him. She should inform her parents about him immediately for the sake of accountability. This lowers the risk of allowing her heart to fall for him when he might not be a wise choice. Hopefully her parents have taught her what to look for in a potential husband.
Becoming Interested. If he develops an interest in her, he will more than likely communicate it to her in some way (hinting around or asking her out, etc.). If she is discerning, she should be able to tell if he is looking for more than just a common friendship with her. She should want him to meet her parents. If he is sincerely interested in her and is a gentleman he will not refuse to meet with her parents. If he declines, he has revealed otherwise and she might need to see that the relationship goes no further, at least at this time.
Meeting Her Parents. Ideally, the young man should take the initiative to meet the parents, rather than making her make the arrangements. This will indicate what kind of leader he is or is not. The man then makes arrangements to meet her parents. When I say “meet the parents,” it is especially important that the young lady’s father be involved. In the case of a young lady who either has no father, or is not involved in her life, this may fall on the mother’s shoulders.
When he meets her parents, they should ask him what his intentions are. His intentions may be marriage, or he may just want to pursue a relationship with the young woman to explore the possibility of marriage.
If the parents are at peace concerning the young man, they should communicate that they want to get to know him. If the parents are not at peace concerning the young man, they should graciously let him know. If the young man truly wants the girl, he will respect the parents’ wishes. At this point he will either move on, or seek to prove himself to the parents and pray that they will change their mind—while not doing anything to lead the girl on.
A Friend of the Family. Assuming that everyone is good, the young man becomes a “friend of the family,” and as such can visit and join in family events with as much frequency as the parents are comfortable. During this season the parents should seek to know as much about the young man as possible—particularly about his relationship and walk with Christ, what kind of leader he is, and about his ability to provide for a family. They should share their observations with their daughter, give her counsel, and pray with her.
Here are three suggestions for this “friend of the family” season:
· It is probably best if the couples’ time together is with the family, and time alone is minimal. Being alone together doesn’t really enhance getting to know one another, but it does provide opportunities to be tempted.
· It is probably best if the couple’s expressions of romantic affection be minimal.[4] During this time this kind of self-control may help protect either party from being unnecessarily hurt if the relationship does not continue toward a commitment to marriage.
· It is beneficial, if possible, for the young lady’s father to also spend time with the young man to get to know him better.
During this time if any one of the parties (the parents, the young man, or the young woman) becomes uncomfortable with the relationship or wants to end it for any reason, clear, charitable communication should be made to that affect. If either the young man or the young woman wants to call the relationship off, speaking with the young lady’s parents first may help soften the blow. Because this is a possibility, this is why romance and alone time are best minimized during this season.
This season is a time during which all involved are seeking the Lord most diligently. There is no set time that this “friend of the family” season should last. Every situation is unique.
Exploring the Commitment to Marriage. If the young man believes it is time to make a formal commitment to marriage, though it is likely that the young lady is already aware of it, the young man should speak with the young lady’s parents before making a formal proposal. If the parents do not feel he or she is ready for this commitment, they can ask him to give it more time. If he loves her, he will wait. If, the parents are at peace with him and with his desire to proceed, they may take one of two paths.
If the parents are sure they’re interested in a formal commitment to marriage, they may tell the young man that they have their blessing to proceed with a proposal. (If the parents have on-going open communication with their daughter, it is likely they know her heart in the matter).
If the parents are unsure of their daughter’s interest, they may want to ask her if she is interested before encouraging the young man to propose. This might avoid the embarrassment of a proposal being met with a “no” answer.
The Proposal and Engagement. Each of our sons-in-law included our family in their plans for their proposals, although all three were done quite differently. While the proposal is between the couple, including the family may include some form of family celebration that day or soon after. Ideally, this family celebration of the engagement would include both the young man’s and the young lady’s parents and families.
Should engagements be longer or shorter in length? While there is no duration that is best in every situation, we would suggest that the engagement period should be long enough to plan a wedding and to establish where the couple will live once married. We would also suggest that the engagement period not be prolonged. Why? Because if the preceding suggestions have been followed, the couple is now ready to marry.
As a pastor, I strongly encourage couples to pursue premarital counseling with no less interest and urgency than they will pursue making wedding plans. I tell couples, “The wedding is a day. The marriage is for life. So don’t spend all your energy planning the wedding day while neglecting planning plan for the married life—including premarital counseling.” It is a mistake to look at pre-marriage counseling as no more than a perfunctory hoop one must jump through.
As a pastor who has counseled a number of Christian couples who have succumbed to sexual temptation before marriage, may I strongly encourage engaged couples not to let their sexual guard down during the engagement period. The fact is, until the couple is married, they are not married until they are married. And contrary to the voice of temptation, being engaged does not mean the couple is married “in God’s eyes.” This lapse in judgment frequently invites sexual challenges into the marriage that may last a lifetime.
The engagement period is also a good time for the parents of the bride and of the groom to become better acquainted, if they are not already.
The Wedding. This is beyond the scope of this booklet. For now, let’s assume that they will live happily ever after!
We do not advocate “arranged” marriages
We do not believe any woman should be expected, much less forced to marry a man she does not want to marry. Her parent’s role is to counsel and then either give or withhold blessing on their daughters’ desires. While a minor daughter may have little choice but to accept and follow her parents wishes in the matter of marriage, once a daughter is an adult, she cannot (nor should she) be forced to adhere to her parents’ wishes in these matters.
What if the couple marries against the parents’ wishes?
If an adult daughter wants to marry against her parents counsel and without their blessing, we would counsel the parents to lovingly communicate their reservations, but pledge themselves to accept, and do all they can to support the couple should they choose to marry.
A FEW THINGS TO CONSIDER IF THIS SOUNDS STRANGE
1. Families have their traditions and customs. I was not raised to do things the way Frances’ family did things. But if I wanted her (and I most certainly did), I needed to honor her parents and do things their way.
2. Far more stands to be lost by being too casual than by being too careful.
3. We are so used to the world’s ways, that new or different customs (which in this case are actually very old!), especially if they are an attempt to honor God and obey His Word, often sound strange. While the ways expressed in this booklet may not be the way in which the Lord would direct every family, there are biblical principles behind our convictions. What biblical principles are there that support the worldly dating system that most people, including Christians, practice?
4. Young men need not feel awkward or be offended if the father of a young woman in whom he is interested asks pointed questions about the young man’s life. We fill out applications for jobs and for bank accounts and neither of these commitments are as important or binding as the commitment of marriage. (A sample of the kinds of things I wanted to know about a young man interested in one of my daughters is found in Appendix C.)
APPENDIX A
Scripture regarding betrothal and the parents’
role in their daughter’s marriage.
Deuteronomy 22:13-17. The father and mother are to protect and be able to vouch for their daughter’s virginity.
Deuteronomy 22:20-21. If the parents could not vouch for their daughter’s virginity, the daughter was to be executed. This underscores the seriousness of the issue. It was a capital offense under Old Covenant law, yet sexual intimacy before marriage is taken quite lightly today, even among many Christians.
The young woman may have done what she did without her parents’ knowledge or approval (thus relieving them of the death penalty) but they suffered since their negligence and/or non-involvement resulted their daughter’s sin. This certainly provides ample incentive for parents to do all they can to protect their daughters.
Deuteronomy 22:23-24. Betrothal is mentioned in this passage. Here sexual relations involving a betrothed woman and a man other than her betrothed is handled as adultery, as though she were already married. The sin was to be punishable by death of both the man and the woman if the act took place in a location and in a situation wherein she could have fought the man off or called for help. The point seems to be that since she did not fight him off or call for help when she could have, she was as guilty of adultery as the man was.
Note that a betrothed man is referred to as “a husband.” Also, the sexual offender was guilty of humbling “his neighbor’s wife.” By this we see that the betrothed woman was considered another man’s wife even though she was not yet married.
Deuteronomy 22:25-27. Here again, sexual relations take place between a betrothed woman and a man other than her betrothed. In this instance the sexual offense took place in a location and in a situation wherein the woman could not fight the man off and could not call out for help. In this case only the man was to be executed, the woman was not considered guilty.
This scenario might be understood as being a case of “date rape.” Although it most certainly is wrong for a man to “date-rape” a woman, far too many young women behave foolishly by being alone with a man and by engaging in some degree of physical intimacy. When a woman engaging in this kind of irresponsible behavior says, “No!” although the man is wrong not to stop, frequently his passions have been aroused to a degree that stopping is unlikely.
Deuteronomy 22:28-29. Sexual relations with an unbetrothed woman is considered fornication and is punishable by forced marriage from which the man can never be released through divorce. Note also that the mandatory marriage was not because the young woman became pregnant. This serious consequence of mandatory marriage was not based merely on results, but on the sinful action itself. This places a high price tag on sexual activity outside of marriage.
Luke 1:34. Though Joseph and Mary were betrothed, they were not sexually intimate.
Matthew 1:18-20. When Mary was found to be pregnant, Joseph, her betrothed, could think nothing other than that Mary had been with another man. Joseph had the right to have her executed or to divorce her on the grounds of adultery. When the angel told Joseph not to be afraid to take Mary, he referred to Mary as Joseph’s “wife.”
2 Corinthians 11:2. Paul was a spiritual father to the believers in Corinth. He expressed his desire to be a godly father by presenting his spiritual daughter as a chaste virgin to her Husband, Jesus. Although Paul is referring to the spiritual marriage between Christ and His Bride the Church, where did he get the picture if it were not the common understanding of the law found in Deuteronomy?
APPENDIX B
Three Important Questions
Here are three questions people are wise to answer before committing to marry someone.
1. Am I willing and able to commit myself to marriage to this person? Marriage is a commitment more than it is a feeling. If a married person ever becomes disillusioned and asks, “Why did I marry this person?” the commitment must be strong enough for the person to remain faithful, resisting all temptation to find an escape from the marriage. Those who are not willing to make this kind of life-long commitment to marriage have a red light. There are those who may be willing, but are not ready. If a man cannot support himself and a wife, he may be willing but he is not able. Those who are not able to assume the responsibility that goes with marriage have a red light. If there are no red lights at this intersection the person may proceed to the next one.
2. Do the spiritual leaders in my life see red lights? These spiritual leaders, whether they be parents or pastors, do not need to be matchmakers. They are not responsible to tell you exactly who you should marry. But they are able to be more objective than the one they are counseling. If they see red lights, there is a likelihood that you do not have a green light. If there is a green light at this intersection the person may proceed to the next one.
3. Am I attracted to this person? Although romance is not the primary basis for biblical marriage, it is important, if not necessary, that the two people be attracted to each other. Romance will grow if the first two are in place, but there ought to at least be a spark. It is important that this intersection be the third one to cross because if attraction and romance is considered first, people are likely to run the red lights in the other two intersections. Once two people are in love, their discernment often becomes clouded regarding their ability to make a commitment to marriage and they are less likely to heed the warnings of spiritual leaders in their lives.
If you are willing and able to make a commitment; if you have no red lights from spiritual leaders in your life; if you are attracted to the person: You have a green light. It is not a mandate, but it is a green light to proceed with the next step.
APPENDIX C
These “talking points” are based on common problems about which married couples have sought pastoral counsel from me.
I have often wondered, “why didn’t you discuss these before you married?”
SPIRITUAL:
When was he saved? What were the circumstances? Has he been baptized? When?
Are his theology and life-style both thoroughly biblical?
What does he do to maintain his spiritual walk?
What are his views on church membership? Is he serving in his church? What church will they attend when married, who will decide and how?
MARRIAGE:
What are his views on the roles of men and women in marriage?
How would he propose to be a spiritual leader to his wife and children? (Family devotions, church, spiritual disciplines, etc.)
FAMILY:
What was his family like? Are they Christian? Does he have any siblings? What is his relationship with his parents? What is his parent’s relationship with each other?
Is he committed to being a provider for his family so his wife can be a stay-at-home mother and homemaker?
What are his views on children? How many does he imagine having?
What are his views on educating his children? Whose responsibility is it? What about public school, private school, or homeschooling?
What are his views on the responsibility to care for aging parents if/when the need arises?
EDUCATION/FINANCES:
What education does he have? What educational aspirations does he have?
What does he think about debt and has he demonstrated that his convictions are real in practice?
Does he tithe?
RELATIONSHIPS:
How many girlfriends has he had? How serious were any previous relationships both emotionally and physically?
Has he ever been married? Does he have any children?
Are there any long-term consequences from any past experiences that might come back to haunt him?
PERSONAL:
What are his interests?
What things does he really dislike? (Or make him angry?)
What does he consider his greatest struggles?
What does he consider his strengths?
What are his experiences and convictions regarding drugs, alcohol, gambling, pornography and other addictive and/or potentially destructive behaviors?
MISCELLANEOUS:
Does he plan to remain relatively local?
How far would he be willing to commute to work?
How many hours per week would he say is the maximum amount he would work under normal circumstances?
APPENDIX D
PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITIES AND WHY
PARENTS OF DAUGHTERS:
Protect her until you are ready to give her in marriage. There is more than tradition behind the question, “Who gives this woman to be married to this man?” The tradition came from the biblical mandate that parents of daughters give their daughters in marriage. There are two areas in which parents are responsible before God to protect their daughters until the time of marriage.
First, protect her physically. Deuteronomy 22:13-21 issues a command that it is the parents’ responsibility to be able to prove that their daughter is a virgin on her wedding night.
Second, protect her emotionally. It is your responsibility to steer her away from the common practice of having a string of boyfriends—to whom she has given her heart, and had it broken—thus preparing her for divorce rather than for marriage.
The responsibility of parents to protect their daughters physically and emotionally is great. While parents must take care not to give her away thoughtlessly, we must also be careful that we are not unreasonable (1 Corinthians 7:36). Loving parents may understandably feel that no one will ever be good enough. This is why parents must discern the difference between, “Is he fit for my daughter?” and “He’s not my type.” If he is fit, he doesn’t have to be your type. You are not marrying him!
PARENTS OF SONS:
Train him to be man enough to go get a wife. This principle is taught first in Genesis 2:24, when marriage was first instituted. Men are to “leave father and mother and cleave to a wife.” When Jesus was questioned about marriage in Matthew 19, He answered in verses 4–5 by referring back to this passage in Genesis 2. The Apostle Paul writing about marriage in Ephesians 5, also quoted this passage from Genesis 2 (Ephesians 5:31). Moses, Jesus, and Paul all agree that a man is to go get a wife.
Scripture does not teach that the groom’s parents are in the driver’s seat in these affairs. If they have done their job, they have raised a man who can go get a wife. If he is not ready to go get a wife, including dealing with her parents, he may not ready to have one.
The only instance in scripture that some might allege teaches otherwise is Abraham sending his servant, Eliezer, to get Rebekah for Isaac (Genesis 24). We must not miss the fact that Abraham sent Eliezer with a proposition—one that Rebekah and her family were not obligated to accept. The servant even asked Abraham, “What if the woman does not want to come here?” (v.5). Abraham acknowledged the bride’s family as having the last word in verse 8 by releasing Eliezer from his duty to bring a wife for Isaac if she did not want to come. So, while the groom’s family made a proposition, the final word belonged to the bride’s family. Rebekah’s family said, “Yes,” but they did not have to. They then asked Rebekah, giving her the final word. Neither Abraham nor Isaac was in a position to dictate to Rebekah or her family what choice she had to make.
There is a difference between preparing a daughter for marriage and preparing a son for marriage. We are wise to understand the roles and remain within them.
Notes
[1] We do not believe that this is inevitable. By God’s grace, and as we exercise due diligence before the Lord to avoid such heartbreak, we prayed that none of our daughters would suffer in that way.
[2] This booklet is intentionally written in a personal manner. While we have strong convictions regarding the biblical principles presented here, we do not present our methods in a “Thus saith the Lord” manner. Each family must wrestle with the Lord and His Word to discern for themselves what methods are right for them and for their families.
[3] We do not believe that parents should “arrange” marriages. We believe that a couple should be attracted to each other and in love. We do not believe that two people should marry unless they truly want each other as life-long marriage partners. We believe that parents should get to know a potential spouse and that they have the responsibility before God to discourage a relationship if, based on their experience and having sought the Lord with all diligence, they discern that the relationship is not God’s will.
[4] Females are often more romantically minded than males. When a man tells a girl that he loves her, though he might not be trying to communicate anything terribly serious, she is likely to understand it to be serious. Then if he backs out, she is likely to have her feelings hurt.
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